You know the saying..."The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side?" Right now the side I'm on is 'Married and No Kids'. I long to have children of my own someday. At times I see other people with babies and I wish that was me. Well lately I've been thinking about what it would be like if I WERE on that side. I know myself really well and I KNOW that when I finally do get on the 'other side' and have my own kids I will totally look back on my PRE-kids days and wish I could have the freedom I have now.
All my Mommy friends always tell me...it's SO worth it having kids and it's SO rewarding. I don't doubt that it is BUT...I'm sure they ALL wish from time to time that they could spend their Saturday with their girlfriends downtown on the patio having lunch and then then head to the beach for a few hours and just chat and laugh. That's what I did yesterday with mine =) I'm totally trying to soak in EVERY last drop of ME time before I AM a Mommy.
I love to travel and there ARE still a few places I wish I could go before I have kids. But between money and time it might not be possible and I've already pretty much accepted that. That's why Ed and I have our little plan to wait until next Spring to try again if we're not pregnant by the end of next month.
The thing is when I start thinking like this I question myself if I'm truly ready to be Mommy (again!). NOT being pregnant and wanting to makes me wonder more and more if this is God's way of telling me that I'm not ready yet or this isn't my time yet...which I am TOTALLY fine with but I wish I could just KNOW instead of trying every single month and NOT drinking wine or eating raw foods during my TTW period. Everytime I've done that and then got my period I feel like I wasted time. Time that I COULD have been doing things that I like....I drinking wine and eating raw foods. Time like planning for trips instead of when to start peeing on ovulation strips again (not that I hate it...it's kinda fun!).
The thought of me resenting my own child makes me angry with myself but I'm thinking there will be days where you DO wish you could have your freedom back. Did any of you ladies feel this way when you were trying? Self doubting or wondering if you even SHOULD be trying yet? Or scared that once you ARE a Mommy it wouldn't be all that you hoped it would be? That you MIGHT have days where you resent it.
I can completely relate to this. I am 25 years old and now have 2 children I had my first child a few months before my 22nd birthday. She was planned we were married for nearly 4 years by the time she was born. She ended up having terrible colic, and I had a terrible labour with her mostly because I had the worst nurse in the world. I was extremely tired after having her at 4:25am and starting labour at 11:30pm. I never bonded with her very well, mostly due to her colic and not sleeping more then an hour in the night for an ENTIRE YEAR! I slept for an hour or two and was awake with her for about an hour or 3 EVERY NIGHT. I cried A LOT during those nights and was very angry with her. I lost my best friend (my husband) because our precious little girl required 100% of our attention all the time due to her colic. Even now I see that all my high school friends are traveling and getting careers. They have hobbies I would love to have like snowboarding, skiing, rock climbing, sky diving, scuba diving etc. It will be a few years yet till I am able to do what I want. The fact that my children were planned makes it easier excepting my situation but I try not to think about all the things I want to do but can't. Eventually I will be able to do them again when my kids are older I just need to be patient. None of my high school friends are married to their best friend or have beautiful kids like I do. It took a lot of adjusting and there are times I want to run away and escape which I did! I flew out to see Stacie a couple of times! Being a parent is hard, even harder when you get a difficult baby and it takes a long time to bond. I figure its all normal though and at the end of my life having my kids young is worth it I just need to be selfless for a few more years :)
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for sharing Jamie!!! How you felt with your baby is what I'm fearing!!! I'm a realistic person and I KNOW that I totally could have a not-so-easy baby or even a child with special needs (which I am TERRIFIED of). I know myself really well and know I will have times later on where I totally will want to just run away or God forbid...hate my life! But you're so right...in the end it totally will be worth it. It's just so hard for me to understand that right now because I'm not even a mother yet and I have no baby in front of me to make me feel like it will all be worth it HAHA Thanks so much again for sharing! Next time you come visit Stacie we need to meet!!! xoxo
ReplyDeleteMost people don't have the experience that I have had. Most people have the experience that I had with my second child you bond immediately, you love that child so much and you just met them the thought of not having them around is terrifying. You can't handle being away from them because you miss them so much! He was such a good baby (my second) he slept all the time my husband and I had lots of time together and the adjustment to having a second child was barely noticed.
ReplyDeleteEat and drink whatever you like until you get that positive! :)
ReplyDeleteHAHA Jillian that's what EVERYONE has been telling me! So I will do that...more RAW OYSTERS and WINE until then!! YAY!!!
ReplyDeleteThose are the thoughts I have every time I think about TTC :) I will see a cute family with young kids and think that I want that. But then I think about how much I love going out to dinner with my husband and making plans spur of the moment and just relaxing when I get home from work instead of having to take care of children. Sometimes I hope I just get pregnant as an "oops" and then won't have to actually decide to TTC :)
ReplyDeleteBut I think what you're feeling is a normal part of TTC, and doesn't necessarily mean you're not ready. You're just realistic about it and know that its a major life decision that will totally change your life (for the better I'm sure!)
And I would drink wine during the 2ww, just not like a ton!
Aww thanks Christa! Glad I'm not the only one!! Ya there's always pros and cons of EVERYTHING but for sure I'm ready....I wouldn't be TTC if I knew for sure I wasn't ready yet. Guess it's nice to know that if we DON'T get pregnant soon it's kinda a plus too....more time alone before we DO get pregnant!!! Totally gonna take advantage of these times from now til then!!!! Wine here I come HAHAH
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