What Motherhood Means To Me - Guest Post

Hello everyone! Daisy and I have agreed to swap blogs today so if you miss her, go over to my blog "Eat, Pray, Love...LIVE!" to see what she has to say. I'm thankful to her for allowing me to guest post today!

Piper Annabelle & I

Ironically it's Father's Day and I'm going to post about being a mom :) However, my take on motherhood is very different than most. I'm really glad to be able to share it with you.

All my life, I've wanted to be a mom. I used to hide pillows under my clothes, drink "pregnancy water," and pretend to deliver my baby. All while I was in the early years of elementary school. I grew up working with kids in my Church nursery on Wednesday nights, eventually taught at several pre-schools, was a volunteer grief facilitator, and ended my time with kids as a nanny for several families. Caring for children came naturally for me and until the time I was a teenager, I never thought twice about having a potential struggle.

My cycles were virtually non existent. I'd have a period maybe 3 or 4 times a year and when I did, I was doubled over in excruciating pain. Over the years I had to make a visit to the emergency room on a couple occasions. It was hell. I knew something wasn't right and my OBGYN wanted me to just stick with birth control and deal with the problem later. This just didn't sit right with me. So, I was lucky enough to have wonderful insurance and made the decision to go to a Reproductive Endocrinologist, a decision I will never forget. At 19, I walked away with news that I probably wouldn't be able to conceive on my own. A few years later, I was finally diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (the testing standards had changed). It came as a shock to me, but being that I was 19 and no where near settling down, I trudged on. Going to baby showers was out of the question. I once walked into my then boyfriends house where they were preparing one for a friend, and had an absolute meltdown. Just the idea I could have a massive struggle ahead of me ended up being more than I could bare.

It took me several years of avoidance before I was finally able to let go and let God. Seriously, it was one of THE HARDEST things to do. Once I did let go, I felt an immense sense of relief. That God really did have it under control. 

Flash forward a few years and I fall in love with a soldier. We went to high school together, lost touch, and started talking again before his deployment to Iraq in 2008. We got married quickly and without any tradition (the military way) on New Years Eve 2009. We wanted to start a family right away (again, the military way) so once I was able to re-locate to Fort Hood, TX to be with him, indeed we did. My life started revolving around OPK's and surprisingly enough, after our first time using them...we got this...

Our POSITIVE! OMG. That feeling is one I will never forget. Excited, nervous, scared, happy, bewildered. I had never in my life dreamed I would get that moment. I really didn't. My husband had JUST walked out the door for a 24 hour shift on post when I took the test. All my life I dreamed of how I would tell my husband and doing it on the phone while he was stuck at work was NOT one of them. I was still sitting on the toilet and dialed my best friend. She had a baby already and knew my story. I was speechless and she was thrilled. I later learned this was a big mistake. My husband was not happy she was the first to know. Honest mistake. Anyway, I ran to Target and took another test right there in the bathroom. Positive. WOW. This was really happening. So, I bought some baby goodies, a card, and showed up to my husbands work with this...

A note from baby and I and a cute onesie. He cried. I cried. We hugged. We kissed. We talked plans. He talked to baby. All in the parking lot of his batallion headquarters in Fort Hood, Texas. I drove back home (without him, boo) and I think I could have drove all the way home with my hand on my tummy. I instantly felt incredibly attached to the little speck floating around in my womb.

I could NOT believe this was really happening. All just days before my 25th birthday. On our first try. PERFECT timing for his next deployment, which in the military world is crucial. He'd be there for the entire pregnancy, delivery, and some of the babies first few months. That NEVER happens. AND the babies due date was Thanksgiving. It was too good to be true.

Unfortunately, it really was.

Just two days before my birthday, I had intense back pain. I knew EXACTLY what was happening. I knew if I went to the bathroom, it would be all over. I delayed it. And delayed it. And delayed it some more until I had to go. We rushed to the emergency room and I knew it was all over. My cervix had dilated, my HCG levels were in the single digits, and the baby was gone. I was exhausted from all the physical pain and devastated. 

How could this happen? How could God allow this to happen? Why did I get a few days of sheer bliss only to have it completely taken away from me? And two days before my birthday? 6 weeks from what I thought was going to be my very first Mother's Day?

Even though it happened over a year ago, the pain is still very fresh and very real. Has time healed some of my wounds, sure but there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about the fact I should have an infant on my hip. So now, motherhood has taken on a whole new meaning. 

I wear a necklace almost everyday with the initial "J" on it. I chose to name our baby Jayden, after a very meaningful family friend. It's greatly helped me with the healing process. Mother's Day is hard. Baby showers are now doubly hard. Pregnancy announcements from friends are also very hard. Sonogram photos, belly shots, etc. Hard. I do my best to rejoice but for some people, I just can't.

I have met some incredible women who have shared some of my struggles. We consider ourselves mommies, even though we don't have "earth babies" yet. One day we will and in the mean time, I try my hardest to celebrate being given the gift of being pregnant. Even if it was just for a quick moment.

My husband and I ended up separating and subsequently divorcing this year. I know God has a way of looking out for us and perhaps there was a reason I lost the baby. I hate to believe that or even think about that, but I can't swallow it any other way. I know without a doubt I will one day celebrate Mother's Day with a baby in my arms. I know I'll help celebrate Father's Day with an amazing man who deserves every second of that joy. Until then, I keep the faith and know I have an angel baby watching over me each day.