My personal journey to Motherhood - Guest Blogger!

I'd like to say a BIG thank you to Daisy for allowing me to be a guest blogger today!  Her and I met over my blog almost a year ago and have since become great real life friends, and hang out all the time!  You can check out my blog here - Baby Grahn in the Making and make sure to follow me!!

This is me, Stacie, and my husband Bryan... also, our 2 yorkies, Dash and Chloe!

Seeing how Daisy's blog is titled "My Journey into Motherhood" I thought it would be fitting to tell my personal story about this crazy and bumpy adventure!  If you know me, and know my blog, then you know my husband and I have been trying for 4 years this month!  It hasn't always been easy, but I have certainly learned a lot along the way about how it works, and about myself. And that is what I would like to focus on!

Things I have learned about myself

I never thought I could handle not being in control of something, especially when it comes to my life.  I am a planner by nature, and I get giddy when I have projects in the works!  I love to plan, dream, and imagine my life going certain ways, and picture what it would be like to have children running around my house.  Wanting to start our family at 23 (me) and 27 (hubby) seemed like such a good age!  We were young, healthy, and eager to have a child enter our life.  Our first month of trying was June 2007.  Hard to believe it was 4 years ago right now!  I remember finding out when I would ovulate, and then making sure we took full advantage of that prime baby making time!  I was so excited to pee on that first pregnancy test one morning, and was confused as to why a second line never appeared.  I thought it was a dud!  Little did I know in that moment what we were heading into for the next 4 years!  I just brushed that first month off thinking how unlikely it would be for us to conceive on the first try anyway, and was hopeful and excited for the next month!  We ended up buying our first place in July of that year, and our "prime time" was spent priming and painting walls, and very little baby making took place, so I was not shocked when my period started shortly after.  August of that year really threw me through a loop!  It was our third month of trying, and as nature would have it, I was "late".  I believe I was late by 3 or 4 days, so of course the butterflies set in!  I thought "Oh my gosh, THIS is it!!!"  I started driving with my hand on my tummy, and my best friend even started "talking" to my belly in hopes I was pregnant!  I remember having company over one of those nights, and I just went up to my bedroom and sat thinking at how our life was probably going to change.  We were so excited at me just being late!  It wasn't long after that dreadful old Aunt Flo arrived, and our hopes were wiped away.

Every month the same thing would happen, we'd get very excited, and then very let down.  Early into 2008 I found out two of my best friends (at the time) were expecting and were due 3 days apart.  Not something either of them planned.  I was so over the moon happy for them, but felt really left out.  I didn't understand why we weren't getting pregnant ourselves!  It felt like as soon as they made their announcement of expecting, a snow ball effect happened, and literally every single person we knew was getting pregnant.  It started to hit me more than Bryan, and I became very weepy and sad a lot!

September 2008, just over a year since we first started trying, we decided we needed to see a doctor.  So we went to our GP who sent us for a series of tests.  Sperm analysis for Bryan and ultrasounds for me!  Everything came back rather normal... Bryan had a decent sperm count, and I had nothing wrong (that they could see) except for a cyst or two on my ovaries, but I was told that was normal.  So we didn't know where to go from there.  We continued to try every month, but the pregnancy announcements were getting harder and harder.  It wasn't until spring of 2009 that I went back to my GP and asked for a referral to a fertility clinic.  May of that year is when we had our first appointment and I was told we had to do more invasive tests!  This was not something I was prepared for.  I had to go for an HSG exam.  I really had no idea what it was, so I booked my appointment that afternoon.  It wasn't until a few days later that I googled it (what in the world would we do without Google?) and found out HOW it was performed, and that I had to be in a "frog leg position" on an XRAY table.  That was enough right there to send me into a crying mess!  There is NO way I was laying on a table, legs sprawled wide open with a doctor inserting metal inside my lady parts!  HECK NO!!!  NO WAY!  I cancelled the appointment faster than I made it, and basically refused to go any further with this.  The doctors were stupid, and were just trying to embarrass me is what I thought.  That was one loooooong year!  I refused and refused, and refused some more.  We were going to do this on our own.  Screw doctors and their weird tests!

Flash forward to February 2010.  I had just about had enough of this infertility business, and knew I needed to suck it up and go for the HSG test.  I phoned the clinic the first day of my cycle and had my appointment for March 4th 2010.  The nerves set in and I felt like that date was haunting me!!  I called my cousin who had this test done twice during her battle with infertility, and she talked me through it over the phone as many times as I needed.  She also sent me some adavan to take before the test just to calm my nerves. 

That morning came and Bryan took me to the clinic.  I felt like I was walking to an electric chair or something.  I have had a huge phobia of doctors my entire life, and this was my worse nightmare coming true.  Of course the clinic was old, dingy, flickering lights in the back room, and an old haggered looking nurse walking me to the bathroom to get naked and put on a paper sheet.  Are you kidding me?!  The exam room was as gross and sterile as you could get!!!  I had to lay on a metal table with a puppy pad underneath me.  Nice!  I sat on the end of the table and burst into tears.  I was TERRIFIED!!!!  I asked if my husband could PLEASE be in there with me as the doctor started jamming metal and all sorts of different equipment inside of me.  I needed to look up at his face, not the giant xray machine that offered zero comfort.  They agreed, but he had to leave during the exam because of the radiation.  It helped me so much having his hand to hold.  I'm not even going to lie, the exam HURT and was intense cramping for a solid 3 minutes.  The longest part of  it all was the prep, and the actual pictures didn't take long at all.  When it was over I practically ran out of that room, and I shudder now every time I pass that place on the street.

A few weeks later we got our results from the doctor at our fertility clinic and he said my tubes were cleared and there was "nothing wrong".  They labeled us with having "unexplained infertility" and didn't investigate any further!  We moved on to doing IUI with clomid for 2 months (April and May 2010) both unsuccessful.  We took a bit of a break as it is very emotionally and financially draining!

January 2011 I got a referral from my GP again, but this time to see a specialist that is an OBGYN but also does diagnostic laperoscopies to see if you have endometriosis.  I have had incredibly painful periods my entire life, and after reading the symptoms for this, I knew I had it!!  Not to mention, it is a contributing factor to infertility.  My appointment was made for April 5th, but I was able to get in a week early in the days leading up to it.  I was nervous and excited for this appointment because I was really hoping the doctor would agree to do surgery on me.  He mentioned how he disliked doing that surgery because 9 times out of 10, the patient doesn't even end up having endo, but he said given our case he would do it.  We were happy, thrilled, relieved, and so many other excited feelings!  He scheduled me for May 24th, and that day couldn't have come sooner!

Well as I write this entry, my surgery was 1 month ago today!!!  When I woke up from going under, my doctor came right over to check on me.  I was so groggy and could barely open my eyes, but I will never forget the words he said.  He told me that they did find endometriosis all over the backside of my uterus and that I had a "nasty amount" of it.  Thankfully during this surgery, they are able to treat it as soon as they find it.  He also saw some cysts and I think those were removed too?  But I can't remember.  All I remember is him saying all of the endo was gone! He also performed a D&C just to clean me out completely, as well as widen my cervix and clean my tubes.  I cried tears of joy and asked if I can even have children because of it, and he said YES!!  He told me I am on a short leash for the next 3 months and he wants me pregnant by the time my 3 month check up rolls around (which is August 9th).

Finally, 4 years after starting this journey we are getting answers and I believe starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.  This month will be our first month trying to conceive since my surgery, and I a feeling cautiously optimistic!  If I have what seems to be a normal uterus, then we should have no problem, right?  Well I hope so!!  I am still preparing myself for it taking a few months, but I can't help but be excited for this next week as we try to catch that egg!

I have learned a lot about myself these past 4 years.  I am stronger than I thought I would be!  I am ok with not being in control of every detail in my life.  I truly do have to let go and let God!  I am more in love with my husband than I've ever been and happy for this time we have had as just us and our dogs!  I have learned true patience as well, and it's something that hasn't come easy!

Thank you for taking the time to read my post!  If you'd like to continue on with the rest of my journey, please follow my blog, "Baby Grahn in the making"  I love new followers, and hopefully you are catching on at that right time!  Hopefully happy news will be in my blog soon!!