I Am Charlotte

It's no surprise.  Ask anyone who knows me (they don't even have to know me THAT well) which SATC girl I am and they'll say hands down...Charlotte.  

If you've seen the first SATC movie you'll recognize the following...

"I have everything I ever wanted.  
I am so happy that I'm terrified.
Nobody gets everything that they want.
.....
Of course something bad
is gonna happen to me."

Lately I've been fearing the exact thing Charlotte feared when she was pregnant.  I really do love my life right now.  I honestly can say that I have everything I ever wanted.  I spent my entire teenage-hood and early 20's searching for 'a man of my very own' (Jennifer Lopez in The Wedding Planner).  And lucky me I found him!  Trust me finding Ed did NOT come easy.  There were many many nights where I cried myself to sleep asking God to hurry up and also many many nights where I was very angry because really, what is a girl to do when her knight in shining armour just hasn't arrived yet? My relationship with God has also never been so awesome.  I'm at a place right now where I feel that I've never understood him more.  All those nights of crying and agony because my dream man hasn't entered my life yet only proved to me that God is real.  The pain I endured while waiting for my future husband to arrive only helped me appreciate what He was really doing within me; building trust and the ability to have faith.


So now I'm kind of at a new stage in my life.  Ed and I are ready and planning to have our first child and I'm so scared.  I'm scared that my next spiritual challenge is just around the corner and I'm scared that my future baby's the subject of that challenge.  I know I'm totally just being paranoid because God is a good god and He would never allow me to endure anything I can't handle.  And anything I'd have to endure is for the better of both His kingdom and my relationship with him. Trust and Faithfulness truly is the challenge of my life!!!
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Most of you know by now that I work with children with special needs.  I've worked with kids with all kinds of needs.  From Autism to Cerebral Palsy there are sooooo many things that a child can have.  I've seen families ripped apart because of special needs and marriages ruined.  I've cried with mothers that I've worked with but also watched in awe at how some can be supermoms!  I think one of my biggest fears is my child having special needs.  Again, I'm just going to have to trust God but I just can't imagine what life would be with that as a reality!!


I really do envy people who can just have faith and trust that everything will be ok.  I wish I could be someone who didn't worry about every little thing before they happened and I wish I didn't over analyses everything.


We'll just have to see where this journey leads me, both spiritually and maternally!!!!!!!!!